Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
