Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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