All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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