Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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