I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
