Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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