There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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