I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
