By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You were trust falling into bushes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
