I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
