i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
