I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
