then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
