Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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