sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
