I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
These tits shall not be calmed
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
