im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
