What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
