so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
