my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize