the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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