I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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