Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I love having hate sex.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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