My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
