Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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