i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
