I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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