I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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