you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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