Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
home. puking in laundry basket.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
