Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
