Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
