Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize