I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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