why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
