I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
