I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
