he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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