Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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