Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
