Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
