I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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