I'm eating all of the evidence.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
