More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
