Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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