you had me at cake vodka
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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