i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize