I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
