my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
