The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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