Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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