Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
