dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
