I want to make a zoo with you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
