During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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