Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
