I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
