you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
