I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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