$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
