you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize