to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize