he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
