Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
