Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
