she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
