can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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