I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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