That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
jump out the window naked night went bad
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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