Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
